he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
