worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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