how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
love makes seman taste better
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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