I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
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His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
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She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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