I think im going to throw up on grandma
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
