remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize