someone get that fucking seahorse.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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