it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
