I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
