She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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