We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
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That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I can't trust your balls anymore.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.