Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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