New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome