my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.