Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
