Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
