you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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