My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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