There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
