don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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