i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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