Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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