If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
