drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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