I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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