so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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