I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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