i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't deserve a penis
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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