i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
