Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
