the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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