it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
