he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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