got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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