so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
