i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
