3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
