I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
