I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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