she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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