On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
