New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
