i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
