Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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