she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When did angry sex become our thing?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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