I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
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