my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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