"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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