you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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