i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
