bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
