look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.