The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once