I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
