You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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