I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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