I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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