I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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