A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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