i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
