I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
