Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
