I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
