I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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