my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
