I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
