I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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